Phoenix Tears

I’m no stranger to grief. I’ve experienced a lot of loss throughout my twenty-something years. Working in healthcare I’ve lost patients, many who I’ve grown to love after working with them for an extended period of time. I’ve experienced survivor’s guilt. I’ve watched unspeakable diseases deteriorate family and loved ones right before my eyes. I’ve lost Uncles and an Aunt so dear to my heart. I lost each beloved Grandparent one by one as I made desperate prayers to keep them here, even holding my Nana’s hand as she took her last breath.

I’ve worn the heaviness of grief like a lead blanket, leaving me feeling like I was unable to move or even breathe at times. I’ve felt the waves of desperation filling my heart with overwhelming emotion followed by waves of numbness draining every ounce of feeling from my soul and then back again. I’ve cried hysterically, grasped for straws and taken desperate measures to avoid and hide from my own pain.

Grief is a wild animal, untamed and unpredictable. Each day you live with it is spent trying to control it. Or more realistically, it’s spent trying to control yourself and how you react to the triggers of grief that you encounter.

Today is the first anniversary of a day that I couldn’t have known how to prepare my heart for despite the grief I’ve experienced throughout my life.

One year ago today, I lost my sweet boy, Phoenix.

I could write a pretty lengthy book describing the depth of my love for him and I would still feel like it wasn’t enough and that I could find more to say.

Phoenix came to me at one of my lowest points. I felt unsure of anything in life. I didn’t know God. I didn’t know if He was real or to be trusted. I didn’t know myself and my identity was defined by what others wanted from me and expected of me. I didn’t know how to be myself because I had no idea who that was anymore. I was beyond lost and had lost most of my true friendships. I was in a situation where many of my friendships and even relationships with my family were discouraged and many of them died. Up until that point in my life, I had never felt more alone. I was an emotional wreck and begged for a dog for 6 months when, thankfully, this request was granted. Phoenix was flown in from Montana and our love for each other was an instantaneous bond.

The feeling of isolation fosters the relationship between a girl and her dog and it set ours on fire. Phoenix was my sweet, snuggly puppy but he quickly became my most loyal and ever present best friend. He also knew me on an intimate level that not many could ever claim to know. He knew my emotions, thoughts and feelings. He was always present and quick to comfort me before a single tear could begin to fall. As someone who’s struggled with depression and self harm, Phoenix was my greatest emotional support. He often kept me from sinking to that depth and when I slipped past, he would help me back out.

When Phoenix was diagnosed with Lupus in 2015, I was completely devastated. I was willing to do whatever it would take to extend his lifespan. He was only 5 years old at the time. Phoenix underwent many tests in order to obtain this diagnosis. Once diagnosed he was put on many medications including a crazy high dosage of Prednisone (a steroid) which caused him to lose a significant portion of his muscle mass and made him extremely hungry and thirsty ALL THE TIME. Phoenix even had to wear adult depends because he would urinate while sleeping and couldn’t hold it to travel down the two flights of stairs at my apartment in Cleveland. Phoenix was a poster-puppy for being a good boy and never did anything wrong prior to this diagnosis. With lupus, Phoenix was so hungry he once stole and ate an entire large pizza off the counter. Needless to say, he wasn’t himself.

Eventually we were able to dwindle his prescriptions down to none however he was never able to regain his muscle mass and he had also become very thick coated and prone to shedding as well. It was all worth it though! Phoenix still suffered from flare ups but they were managed wonderfully through great veterinary care.

Phoenix was everything to me. I could’ve given up everything and moved across the country (and I did) but I never could’ve gone without Phoenix.

I moved to South Carolina in November of 2016 with what little I could fit into a Honda CR-V with two great Danes.

It was an amazing and very freeing experience to live with my boys in my favorite state. I moved to a place where I didn’t know a single soul but it was the restart that I needed. We lived one block in from the beach and we fully embraced the sweet opportunity. I worked a job demanding a lot of drive time but I still made it home every night to walk my boys on the quiet winter beaches of South Carolina. When we would make it to the end of the beach, I would let them off leash and Phoenix and Walker would run through the waves and chase each other until their hearts were full and their energy reserves were empty. They both LOVED the beach and we very rarely missed an evening there or a sunset together. Sometimes we even went for the sunrise too 🙂

I’d like to think that these evenings gave Phoenix a happy ending instead of freezing his last few months in Ohio. I know that he was happy and enjoying life every single day up until his very last. I choose to cling to this thought because it’s still torture to live without my sweet boy.

His death came very suddenly and it was absolutely devastating. It was a Sunday and he was doing well in the morning before we left for church. When we returned from church that morning, we left for a walk at the beach. I had looked forward to this walk and was excited to spend the afternoon at the beach with my boys on a beautiful February day in South Carolina. This walk did not go as I had hoped. It was almost as if each step Phoenix took on this walk deteriorated him further. He seemed a little tired when we left however when our feet hit the sand, it was clear that Phoenix wasn’t able to take this walk on the beach. I had to get the car to bring him back home and his breathing was becoming extremely labored. After a brief (panicked and emotionally blubbering) call to my Momma, we were on our way to the only open emergency facility.

Once we were there everything went quickly. They had to doggy stretcher him inside. The vet on staff was very kind and she ensured that we did the best for him. I laid on the ground with Phoenix in my arms trying to be strong for him but inevitably my tears betrayed me and streamed continuously down my face. He was the most strong boy and tried to comfort me even as he was withering away. Phoenix was struggling to breathe and I had to let him go. I couldn’t allow him to suffer any longer simply because I didn’t know how to live without him. I never left his side and even held him long after he was gone.

The veterinarian on staff assured me that there was nothing that could’ve saved him and that this was what was best. I cling to that thought too.

Phoenix knew my heart better than anyone. He knew when I’d break. Up until this day, he hid any signs of returned illness from me. I was alone in South Carolina but Phoenix stayed with me. He was ready to go but he waited until I wasn’t alone. That morning close to 3AM my husband (at the time we had only begun dating recently) arrived at my home in South Carolina. He arrived home from deployment the day before and immediately left to drive to South Carolina from Ohio to see me. He got in very early after driving all night and was able to get a few hours of sleep before going to church together later that morning. I believe Phoenix saw the change in me when Tim arrived. I’m sure that he felt me relax more than he’d seen in over a year. I believe that he waited for Tim to come home to me before he said goodbye just so that he knew that I wouldn’t be alone. Phoenix’s love for me was unexplainable and indescribable. I will always miss him even on my happiest days.

I am not healed from losing my sweet Phoenix. I still cry almost daily from the ache in my heart and torment of missing him from my every day life. It’s been over a year and just a few days ago, I woke up from a nightmare screaming and sobbing uncontrollably. I was even begging with outstretched arms when I woke up which is exactly what I was doing in my nightmare as I begged them not to take Phoenix from me. Nothing can ever replace his presence and I know that the healing process is long and unpredictable.

To me, Phoenix was my family. He wasn’t just a dog. He was my heart and more loving than many humans I have known. I’m a better person to have loved and been loved unconditionally by Phoenix.

Grief is ugly. You may feel like you have to keep yourself together but truthfully, you need to process loss in your own way in order to begin the healing process. One of my best friends has been through some of the best and ugliest parts of my life and she knows just how to surprise me with the perfect gift. She has always been an excellent gift giver. For instance, during the same week I lost Phoenix, she sent me a bouquet of my favorite flowers even though they were out of season along with the most meaningful, sweet note that I still have today. On other occasions she has presented gifts that represent Phoenix that bring me to ugly crying without delay. This friend allows me to process my grief and holds me if I need it. True friends will be there and allow you to work through things on your own time. The other people don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

Grief and loss can easily push anyone into depression. Without good family or friend support, it’s easy to fall into a rut that it seems impossible to escape. I urge you to seek support through counseling or speak to a leader in your life. There is a stigma associated with seeking help and there always will be unless we talk about it more. There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re dealing with depression or any other mental illness and you deserve help just like anyone who struggles with illness that is visible from the outside. I don’t enjoy drawing attention to this struggle in my life but if I can help a single person, it will be worth it.

If you are spiritual or open to the spiritual, I urge you to pursue Jesus. He is our healer and our strength. I’ve been so low that I never believed I could make it through to the other side and I know I wouldn’t have without Him.

“He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.”

Psalms 91:4 NLT