Phoenix Rising

Today I was baptized.

Most people who know me, may have seen me involved in church, well educated and well traveled and thought that I had it all together. I definitely didn’t. In the past, I can say that I’ve definitely been guilty of only showing my best in social media, and even worse, leading people to believe that my life was perfect when that was a far cry from the truth. Maybe you’re wondering how I’ve been in church and am just now being baptized?

I wasn’t raised in a Christian home but I was raised by parents with great morals who have servants’ hearts. I also had a great friend who invited me to church with her and despite my social anxiety and super shyness, I went. I continued to “test drive” church for a while. Trying to find out what it was about and if it was real, and If I could trust it or believe it. Trust has always been difficult for me because unfortunately, finding out you are unwanted by a biological parent leaves some pretty deep scars that require more than just a pint of ice cream to learn how to heal from. Thankfully I’ve been made whole from that particular situation and am beyond blessed to understand the heart of adoption and the depth of love behind it.

To continue this story, I began going to a church with a pentacostal background…. And for someone who was already struggling to believe, seeing and hearing people speaking in tongues without understanding, took that fear to a whole new level. There were a couple reasons I wanted to stay in church though, so I kept trying. After a couple years, even though I was still shy and overwhelmed with such a different world of knowledge, I had become involved in the church and created many relationships that I would consider friends and even family in some ways now. I kinda believed. I had reached the point where I thought God was real but maybe that He was real for others and not me. I was so happy for those people who were able to experience God and being the optimistic that I am, I was hopeful that some day it would happen to me too.

But I still had doubts. SO many doubts.

I definitely inherited the servants’ hearts that both of my parents have but I also fear being a disappointment and became a people pleaser in nature. I was quick to say yes to anything that would help anyone and it took so much out of me to say no to someone that I’d rather accept additional responsibility or burden than hurt someone by telling them no. Everyone has their faults but this was definitely my worst one. It was almost impossible for me to say no, I let people walk all over me constantly and was very easy to take advantage of.

I had ups and downs in my relationship with God. I wanted so badly for him to be real. I wanted someone to put my faith and trust in. Someone to rely on who would never hurt me, but protect my heart. I prayed often and was making a significant effort in my spiritual life. In the physical, however, I was brought to a place where I felt completely defeated, alone, unloved, like a constant and major disappointment and like I was completely worthless. Being a perfectionist and someone who loves with everything I have, I tried my absolute best to fight all of these things and live the best life that I could give but it still wasn’t enough. I went on feeling like this for years. I was practically begging God to come to my rescue, but with every day, month, and even year that passed, I had more and more doubts about if God loved me and cared about me or if he even existed at all.

I was finally brought to rock bottom. I found it. I’d felt like I may have found it a few times before, but I had been wrong. Rock bottom was something I had been dangerously close to but it was something I couldn’t fully fathom until I actually got there. It’s like the death of your entire soul. Somehow I was still in a functioning body that was living and breathing but the rest of me was completely dead. I knew that suicide wasn’t the answer because I love my parents far too much to put them or any of my friends through anything so traumatic and devastating. But I no longer could see any other reason for living.

Someone’s wise words told me that actions like that were a “permanent solution to a temporary problem.” That phrase has been a great reminder to me through pretty desperate situations over the last year or so. I’ve never thought twice about it, however, please understand that I was already dead as far as I was concerned. My soul had been completely ground into the dirt repeatedly until it was entirely unrevivable. It was a slow death, dragged out so slowly that I barely recognized it was happening. Like the way they kill a lobster for someone’s dinner, slowly bringing up the boil. This boil slowly increased, year after year undetected. However in one quick, swift motion in correlation with and following my graduation from grad school in December 2015, my soul was completely destroyed. A switch was flipped and I was gone. I knew that nothing could bring me back from that but I still tried and I believe I did my best.

You’re all sitting there wondering, “what the heck does this have to do with her being baptized?” And probably curious about details because of the vague nature of this testimony. I apologize that I cannot satisfy your curiosity because I choose not to share details, however, I’m SO excited to tell you about my decision to be baptized! So hang tight!

I was seriously like a zombie. I had no choice but to stay at Rock bottom with a dead soul and to just go through the motions of life that were required of me. Or so I thought. Now keep in mind, at this point, I had almost entirely given up on the idea of God existing, let alone the idea that He wanted anything to do with me. I didn’t believe he could exist with me where I was.

But then, He called my name out in front of our entire church. Called me out, specifically, by my name through my pastor and using his beautiful gift of prophecy. Normally, just about anyone would feel excited in that situation or even feel some kind of spark with something so rare, unexpected and amazing…. But I’m telling you, I was completely dead inside and was definitely at Rock bottom. I felt absolutely nothing in that moment.

God met me where I was, not just at the end of my rope, but already let go, stories below, laying completely broken on a cold, damp floor. In that moment he picked me up and whispered into my heart. He spoke directly to my situation.

In my prophecy, God called me by name and told me that he could see me, writing on the journal of my heart. That he saw me writing out each of my dreams. He told me that He knows that they seem dead, like ink on a page. But he also told me that my dreams were important to him and that he wanted to give them to me right now.

I should have been entirely floored, right?! I mean, the God of the universe was talking to me. Talking specifics about my dreams and saying things that no other soul knew about me and my life. I wasn’t though. Believe me. I was still completely stone cold, unmoved, emotionless. I didn’t believe in God anymore. Someone must have told my pastor these things. I didn’t believe this could be real.

But he continued.

He told me that the next three months of my life would be critical to me being able to embrace my dreams. That I needed to only draw near to Him and he would whisper to my heart.

The God of the universe called me by name, spoke to me publicly, and validated my dreams, the very dreams that were entirely crushed in the moment that served to completely shatter my soul, my belief in God and my belief in love all in one swift moment. He told me that this was for me to have a hope and a purpose in this life and that He would whisper these things to my heart and all I needed to  do was to draw near to Him.

As I sat in the back of the church, maybe 15 minutes had passed and I was still completely emotionless and full of disbelief… I couldn’t feel anything. I had stared my pastor in the face completely emotionless and unreceptive and I still felt that same way until suddenly, I was overwhelmed with emotion and emotion came flooding back again. Tears began streaming down my face as I began to fully comprehend what had just happened. Some of the details spoken about my life were things that no one could’ve known. I had been broken beyond repair, remember? I actually found the most avoided destination of all time: rock bottom. But God’s love for me began to pour into me and my soul began to awaken.

Now, please don’t see this moment and see “happily ever after”… Believe me. This was the most difficult year of my life and I may never experience anything worse than I did in 2016. Please see that moment more as the beginning of a glimmer of hope for me.

I felt that I wasn’t invisible and more importantly that my pain and hurting wasn’t invisible anymore. I had been told that my dreams had to die, and this essentially crushed my soul but here was the God of the universe, speaking to me, calling me by name and validating these same dreams. Telling me that he wanted to give me those very dreams.  This moment gave me hope. A hope that grew with every single day. New strength that grew each day with it.

It was a slow and difficult climb out of the rock bottom pit that I had fallen into, but I had hope as my rope to climb out with. Hope in God’s promises to me was and is still my anchor.

As I said before, this year was truly the worst I’ve ever faced but my life changed that day in the spring of 2016. It became the day that I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that God is real. In that day I completely transformed and relinquished my life and control of it to Him.

From that moment on I’ve given my best effort to be living life in the best way that I can. With God as my first priority. Each day, since that very moment, I’ve done my absolute best to live life with God as my top priority and continue to draw nearer to Him each and every day. I’ll have read the entire Bible through twice and the new testament three times since that defining moment. It’s amazing to be rooted in God’s word and feel His influence on my life daily.

I am far from perfect and my life is definitely still a mess. A far cry from that perfect Facebook and Instagram life that social media portrays. But, I’ve come SO far from where I was. I’ve reached a new level and have not once doubted God or his promises for my life because of the glory that he’s shown me, His faithfulness and His overwhelming grace in my life.

I believe my life was not only completely changed in that defining moment but in every single moment afterward that I’ve spent with Him. I’ve done my best to seek after His heart and draw near to Him and it’s created this crazy love for God in my own heart. I’m on fire for Him and I want to do everything that I can in this life to further His kingdom. He is my top priority and the center of my life.  This new level that I’ve reached is completely free of doubt in God’s existence, His love for me or His promises for my life. I’ve learned so many lessons in this past year but the greatest is in my relationship with God and learning how to rely on Him and give Him my full trust even when I’m completely blind and I have no idea what could happen.

My decision to be baptized is entirely my own and is a public and outward declaration meant to demonstrate my devotion and commitment to following God as well as my belief in Jesus as my Savior. This decision was not made lightly and I’m so excited to share this moment with each of you and for you to know my commitment toward a lifetime of chasing after God’s heart. It’s the best decision I’ve ever made and will ever make.

His grace is limitless. His love is unconditional and pure. His pursuit of our hearts is relentless and his forgiveness is a boundless blanket. I’m so thankful for each and every one of these truths and I’m excited to live my entire life for Him knowing that He’s more than enough for me no matter what circumstances I may face in this life.

Last year may have been rough but I’m pushing forward and chasing after God’s heart and His plan for my life. I’m not meant to be judged or defined by my past and God makes all things new, even those who are entirely broken. Don’t doubt Him. Seek Him and He’ll reveal Himself to your heart. There’s nothing better than this.

I hope that my testimony might serve as an encouragement to even a single soul. Seek His heart. His love is real and entirely unconditional. He wants a relationship with you. You’re not worthless or meaningless to Him. Seriously. You’re a daughter (or son) of the King. That’s a pretty big deal 😉